Varying degrees of comfort
I've never had a problem doing unconventional things in public. You'd think I would, given how shy and reserved a person I am. I never had an issue nursing the kids in crowded places, I'm okay being the lone knitter in a large meeting, and I've never thought twice about testing their blood sugars or even giving a shot in a restaurant. It used to drive Marshall crazy, but I think he's coming around to my "screw 'em" attitude around it all.
Which is funny, because Marshall is very outgoing and the one member of the family I can count on to speak up when nobody else will. But when it comes to diabetes he's always been very closed off. When he was still taking shots he would always do it in private, and never in a million years would he do it at the table. He would even check his blood sugar in the car or under the table if we were at a restaurant. He would never come right out and say "My blood sugar is low, give me a second while I get a snack", even when we were working 12 hour days moving furniture. I never knew if it was that he didn't want to inconvenience anybody, or if he was embarrassed. I always tried to be respectful of his desire to keep it quiet, but it just never seemed to me like it was something that needed to be. I've always been in awe of his strength.
So when I pulled out the syringe filled with a bolus of insulin and gave Walker a shot right there at the restaurant two days after she was diagnosed, Marshall's head nearly exploded. He stared at me, one of those pregnant stares that speaks volumes. And I glared right back. Because this time, it wasn't just about him. But I also realized it wasn't about me either, this was about Walker.
The way I see it, there is absolutely nothing that anyone with T1D has to be ashamed about. Zero. And I would be damned if our little 5 year old would need to feel insecure or embarrassed by something she has no control over. I will never make her feel like she should hide this from anyone, just for the sake of THEIR comfort. So we were stuck between two extremes. On the one hand, Marshall thought giving a shot in public was just too much: too much exposure, too much presumption, and too much egoism. He pointed out that some people might be uncomfortable with needles, and at the very least it was putting Walker in a place that maybe she wasn't comfortable. Just because I saw no problem with it didn't mean I had to thrust our little girl into the spotlight. On the other hand, I argued that diabetes is Walker's new reality and something that concerns nobody else in the restaurant. If they have issue with needles, they can look away. And besides, it wasn't as if I was making a huge scene of it all. I was simply lifting her sleeve and giving a quick shot.
We've discussed it many times since Walker's diagnosis, and again since Ollie's. Their insulin pumps erase any need for table-side-shot-taking, but blood sugars still need to be tested. Walker wears it as a badge of honor in some ways; I know she takes pride in her bravery, particularly around other kids her own age. Ollie doesn't necessarily revel in the attention of it, but sees it as a non-issue. I also believe that they're such pros at it by now that they don't create a spectacle, it happens so quickly sometimes even I don't notice that they've tested their blood sugar.
For the most part, our minute by minute T1D care and maintenance goes unnoticed by those around us. But sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes we get stares or looks of shock. Most times it's in response to their CGMs on their arms: "What's THAT?!", "Does that mean you're a robot?!", "That must hurt! I could never wear that!". Or when blood is tested we may also get a few looks of disgust. We've discussed as a family how we deal with these situations. Typically I'll pause a moment and allow the kids to respond if they feel empowered to do so, but more times than not Marshall or I step in and answer the questions (at this age they're not quick to advocate on their own behalf). How I respond is 100% dependent on my mood and the manner in which the stranger came at the kids; sometimes I'm mama bear, and sometimes I'm diabetes educator. But I try to be mindful of the fact that the kids are always watching and model positive behavior, whether it's protective in nature or not. It's important they know how to educate others, as well as how to protect themselves.
Over the years I've come to discover it's not so black and white. It's not necessarily about feeling embarrassed or feeling proud, but for most it falls somewhere on the spectrum. Some days you're empowered and ready to educate those around you, and some days you just want to go about your day, eat your food or do your workout, and have your T1D status go unrecognized.
As a family, we've agreed to let the kids drive this one. Ultimately it's a very personal choice, how much you're willing to expose of yourself. In the past three years Marshall has become much more open about his own diabetes. I think he also recognizes that the more we let others see, the more awareness is brought to Type 1. He knows that by proudly taking his blood sugar in public, or pulling out his insulin pump to dose a bolus, he is making it clear to Ollie and Walker that there is nothing they need to be ashamed about regarding their diabetes. But we also let them know it's okay for them to not always need to be the diabetes crusader. How they feel today need not dictate their feelings tomorrow, in their diabetes and in everything else they do.
